@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

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@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@DiamondLou69

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

@funflaps

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@KevinFarzad

FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@Donna_McCoy

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.