Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The first one, obviously
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
In space, no one can hear…
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else