My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.