me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key