Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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Husband: Again or Still ?
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
any last words?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems