Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

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Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”


Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.


DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.


The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*


Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.


Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns


“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked