@Shen_the_Bird

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

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@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

@Mikecanrant

The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked