ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I can also cook 😂
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.