me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*