ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
These 3D printers are insane!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?