Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”