Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
No laws when master is gone
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
We found love in a hopeless place.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**