Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)