@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

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@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you call Brenda fat?

Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.

HR…

Me: Big difference.

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@Ghetto_Trophy

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@NewDadNotes

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

@derekblackmon

Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head

@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”