I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Gemma Correll
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When you’re here for the treats.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.