*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.