Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.