Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do