@English_Channel

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

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@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@Marlebean

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it