All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*
2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it