me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀