if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I’m sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”