@thenatewolf

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

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@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

@AndyRichter

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

@mrjohndarby

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

@Gupton68

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

@roxiqt

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

@dubstep4dads

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

@mtobey

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

@tiReynard

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”