ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*jingles half the way*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them