me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…