me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I thought this was funny lol
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”