Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

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Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*


Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.


son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters


[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury


Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.


BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question


ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank


My boss: Are you on Twitter?

Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.


Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.