ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Very good! 👍😂
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park