Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.