Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.


my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.


[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]


As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment


Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA


Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.