@FU_TangClan

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

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@squirrel74wkgn

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@danadonly

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

@KeetPotato

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

@zachreinert03

As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment

@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@SuperJuanderer

Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.