Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.