@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

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@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@lecalabara

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@fro_vo

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

@MaraWritesStuff

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger