Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Help with the chores. #WhatCatsDoWhileWeSleep
Best things to pull:
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger