ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
shit just got real
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Finally a use for spoilers…
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class