Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*