My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH