Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
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– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Imagine if people still used typewriters!
We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
– Russian mattress repairman