@Knorg

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

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@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

@Sickayduh

“Be patient.”

– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@MotorCityKitteh

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@leechee420

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.