Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.