Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]