Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You Might Also Like
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now