Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.


Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.


Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.


“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.


If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started


girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.


Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”


I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”


The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor