@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

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@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@AndyAsAdjective

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@LaniBeno

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”