@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

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@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@Izianikapani

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

@kuusela34

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

@sucittaM

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

@thatUPSdude

*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@KattsDogma

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@sonictyrant

Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?