Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.