me: i liked that movie 🙂

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score 🙂

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music

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Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?


If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?


boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly


PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many


New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.


him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom


Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line


Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice


If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.


KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die