Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”