me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

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Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.


At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.


i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes


Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am


I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.


If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.


ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.


There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.


[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?