Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi