Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
i think both sides are to blame here
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.