Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.