@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

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@NicestHippo

[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@crunchenhancer

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”