Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?