Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??
My diet is similar to a 9 year old who just found $20.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.