@thedadvocate01

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

You Might Also Like

@sock_holliday

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@mylifesuckers

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…

@Lisa_Laughs_

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.