Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
This is hilarious….
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.