[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear
[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.