Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The little toadstool has spoken.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
next level snooze