Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.


Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.


My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume


Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.


Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet


Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.


Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”


“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.