@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

You Might Also Like

@notacroc

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@InternetHippo

“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

@okmatchhead

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@kcmoore51

Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.