*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
You Might Also Like
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.
Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.