Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.