@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

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@KalvinMacleod

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

@shesananteater

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

@Mendozaaa_j

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

@apowerfulbird

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that

@AthenaMystique

*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*

@Ivsy01

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@gagging

If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

@BitterWaterBlue

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

@AmandaRNH

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him: