Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

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[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*


Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.


Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho


boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that


*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*


Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.


[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days


If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.


Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.



Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.