for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Guys, I found it.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.