me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Respect
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?