My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
me: i love pillow talk
me: what the hell
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food
Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.