me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.


My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.


[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN


Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.


Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.


In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.


[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”



-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet


My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.