There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
A woman drives into a bar.
oh shit
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
good morning
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.