Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Harsh but fair
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*