me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Remember folks 😂
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”