Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Interviewer: What is your greatest weak…
Me: NO PATIENCE.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen