If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
You Might Also Like
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore