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@Artemis_Ascends

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@Brianhopecomedy

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@o__0Dev

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen